BY NICOLE WINFIELD
 Associated Press

 HAVANA -- An exile's return home is rarely easy, but for Cuban Americans the
 trip is a particularly bittersweet blend. There is guilt at having left loved ones
 behind, joy at seeing them, and sometimes shame -- thinking their visit home
 might prolong President Fidel Castro's rule.

 For Juan Rocio and his parents, the mixed emotions are almost unbearable. On
 Friday night, as they do every two years or so, the Rocios left their home in
 Elizabeth, N.J., to visit Jose Luis Rocio, the one member of their family who didn't
 leave Cuba with them in 1983.

 In that year, Juan's maternal grandfather, Ricardo Zaez, was released from prison
 after serving 19 years for anti-Castro activities. The Cuban government ordered
 him off the island; Zaez refused to go unless his daughter and her family came
 along.

 The government agreed to let all members of the Rocio family leave -- except the
 oldest, Jose Luis, who was 18 at the time and eligible for military service.

 ``It was either the whole family or him,'' said Juan Rocio, 29, as he waited with his
 parents to board the first regularly scheduled direct flight from New York to
 Havana since the 1960s. ``My mother is still sick about it.''

 Many passengers aboard Friday night's flight shared similar sentiments of guilt at
 having left a family behind and embarrassment that they have so much while their
 relatives lack the most basic necessities, such as soap or aspirin.

 Passenger Barbara Hernandez said every time she visits Cuba, she is
 overwhelmed by the conflicting emotions of wanting to see her family and help
 them financially, even though the money will eventually filter into and support the
 political system she left during the 1980 Mariel boatlift.

 ``Let me tell you, it's not easy being Cuban,'' said Hernandez, who now lives in
 New Jersey with her Colombian-born husband.

 ``You have to weigh your family against the politics,'' said Juan Rocio. ``Some say
 politics is more important than family, and those are the ones who stay behind''
 and don't visit the island or send money to relatives.

 Friday night's flight, the first of Marazul Charters' scheduled weekly trips from New
 York's John F. Kennedy airport, touched down at about 1:20 a.m. Saturday at
 Jose Marti airport. Only Cuban Americans, journalists and others approved under
 strict U.S. regulations can fly with Marazul because of the U.S. economic
 embargo against Cuba.

 Despite their misgivings, the Rocios were jubilant when they were reunited with
 Jose Luis outside the airport gates. The brothers embraced and Luisa Rocio
 covered her oldest boy with kisses.

 ``The last day, you never want it to come,'' Juan Rocio said.

                      Copyright 1999 Miami Herald